all is well

Just wanting to say I haven't givin up on my blog. I'm just at a really good place right now and don't want to think about the past. I made this blog to go to when times are bad and bringing me down. So hoping things stay as super as they have been. :)

daddy's gone

It's funny how many things one can really remember from childhood. Thinking back to when I was really small I remember feeling like daddies girl. I truly felt genuine love from him even if mother told me he didn't want me. Maybe he didn't at first but I think maybe he grew to love me.  I remember quite a lot but then again I remember alot of what I was told also. Which I later found that alot of that was not true when I got older I remember mom having a new friend and I remember how I felt so uninvited around him. I remember the roosters he had running around his yard that would chase me and peck my heals till they bled.  Also one time when I was 2 being at his house while mom and he were entertaining each other and no one was watching me I decided to pet his dog that just happened to be eating. Needless to say I was attacked.

Thankfully there was an eye doctor at the ER that day or i would have lost my eye. mom told me the surgeon said it took so many stitches it sew my bottom eye lib back on that he gave up count. My mother told me that my dad had gone and shot that dog but many years later I found out that the owner had hidden the dog and that my mom had done nothing about it. I don't remember dad being around after he left for the army until I got a bit older mostly after jody was born.

In the beginning

They were such the cute couple. The met thru friends while they were in high school in the spirit of 76. She was to graduate that year and he was merely a sophomore at the young age of 16. They loved each other. They were married the following year on his birthday. It was like a story strait out of a fairy tale book for all anyone knew. She had married the man of her dreams and shortly became pregnant with their first child. But just like the real world most men loose that prince like charm and in this case he started being unfaithful And turned out to be more like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I remember stories my mother would tell me as a little child of how my daddy was mean to her, how he lied and tortured her, she claimed he would never keep a job and that she would loose jobs because he wouldn't allow her to go to work, that he controlled everything she did and if she were to cross him he would bring down the wrath. I grew up being told it was my fault that my dad had left my mother. She repeatedly told me that all he had wanted was a boy even to the fact that he bought a model train to give his son so that they may play together when he got a little older. But low an behold that son turned out to be a daughter. Mother claimed that he was in disgust to the point that he rather not even be around and then came my first birthday, she claims that was the day that I took my first steps and the day that she was so proud that she couldn't wait for my father to come home so that she could share the news in hopes that then he may grow to love me. But yet again she was faced with disappointment the day I took my first steps was the day my father came home with the news that he had joined the army and was leaving us both

What's it all about

They say time heals all wounds. But sometimes it take more than time. Sometimes it takes letting it all out. I lived many years with the tortured child living inside. I've taken many routes in hopes to finally ease her pain and allow her to finally rest only to find later that she was just tucked away and being silent. It's time to start from the beginning, time to tell her story, let it all out and bring all her pain out of the shadows and then maybe all will be over and she will finally be able to rest in peace.